Today is a sad day...

Today is a sad day.

As I step out of the shower I can't help but stare off into space.  Water drips down my legs as I half-heatedly wrap a towel around myself.  The sound of the dogs playfully fighting beneath me seems muffled, as if it's a million miles away.  I am staring, yet I don't really see.  I don't see the tub in front of me.  I don't see the laundry strewn across the floor.  Instead, a vivid flashback.  I am young, maybe 6 or 7.  The sun is shining brightly through the trees and there is a soft subtle breeze.  I am laughing and twirling in circles.  My best friend - my Gram - is there.  And it's glorious.  We are having a great time, in her yard, at her house.  Yes, it's home.  The one place my soul feels at ease.  Funny, I never recalled this memory before.  Tears stream down my cheeks as the memory plays out, so very boldly in front of me.

I finally snap back to reality.  To the sound of the dogs growling and nipping at each other, trying to egg the other one into a playful fight.  To the sound of the radio playing a CD that is supposed to calm and relax you, yet seems to just make me sad today.  To the sound of the neighborhood kids playing, oblivious and happy.

I start to wonder if having these vivid flashbacks and memories are part of the process.  I've never had them before. Or maybe they're from all the medication.  They are both nice and scary, all at the same time.

Some days are sad, some are angry.  Some days I'm organized and energized and convinced it will be alright; others are busy putting a smile on for others.  The unknown is awful.  Feeling sick is even worse.  And the ultimate?  Trying to answer everyone elses questions when you don't know yourself - and putting on the happy, reassuring face even when you are scared.

It's a day of tears.  A day of thinking I should call and say things to people.  A day of thinking I should start this blog and record my feelings and thoughts so *if* anything happens, my loved ones won't guess what I was thinking in the end.  And then the guilty feelings that tell me to stop the pity party; everything will be ok, the doctors will find out what is wrong , I will be just fine and to suck it up.

Yeah, today is a sad day.